Why Most People Are Terrible at Conversations (And What Actually Works)

Last Tuesday, I watched a manager at a Melbourne café completely destroy what should have been a simple customer service interaction. The customer wanted to know about their loyalty program, and this manager - bless his cotton socks - proceeded to give a ten-minute monologue about company history, their supply chain ethics, and why they don't use single-use cups anymore. The customer left looking like they'd been hit by a tram.

It got me thinking about how we've completely lost the art of actual conversation in our workplaces. We're so busy trying to sound smart, professional, or "on-brand" that we've forgotten the basic human skill of just talking to each other properly.

After fifteen years of training everyone from call centre operators in Brisbane to C-suite executives in Sydney, I've noticed something fascinating: the people who think they're the best communicators are usually the worst. And the techniques that actually work? They're so simple that most "communication experts" dismiss them as too basic.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Active Listening

Here's my first controversial take: active listening is mostly bullshit as it's commonly taught.

You know the drill - maintain eye contact, nod your head, say "I understand" every thirty seconds, and repeat back what someone just said in slightly different words. It's robotic. It's obvious. And frankly, it makes you look like you're following a script from a 1990s customer service manual.

Real listening isn't about techniques - it's about genuine curiosity. When I'm working with retail teams, I tell them to forget about "active listening" and instead focus on being genuinely interested in solving the customer's actual problem. The difference is astronomical.

Take Sarah from a Westfield store I worked with last year. She used to do the whole active listening charade - "So what I'm hearing is..." and "Let me make sure I understand..." The customers could smell the artificiality from three aisles away. Now she just asks better questions: "What would make this situation perfect for you?" or "What's the most annoying part about this?"

Boom.

Conversations that used to take twenty minutes now take five, and customer satisfaction scores went through the roof. Not because she learned better "techniques," but because she started treating customers like actual humans instead of problem-solving exercises.

Why Questions Trump Statements Every Time

Most workplace conversations fail because we're all trying to be the smartest person in the room. We prepare our responses while the other person is still talking. We interrupt with solutions before we understand the problem. We make statements when we should be asking questions.

I learned this the hard way during a project management training session in Perth about five years ago. There was this engineer - let's call him Dave - who kept challenging everything I said. My instinct was to defend my position, cite my credentials, prove I was right. Classic ego trap.

Instead, I started asking him questions. "What's been your experience with that approach, Dave?" "How do you think your team would respond to this?" "What would work better in your situation?"

Within ten minutes, Dave had talked himself into agreeing with most of my original points. But more importantly, he'd contributed ideas that made the training genuinely better for his team. Questions didn't just defuse the conflict - they improved the outcome.

Here's what I've noticed: when you ask genuine questions, people feel heard. When people feel heard, they stop being defensive. When they stop being defensive, actual progress becomes possible. It's not rocket science, but apparently it is brain surgery because most managers still haven't figured it out.

The Power of Strategic Silence

Australians, in particular, are terrible with silence. We fill every pause with "um," "ah," or random small talk about the weather. We think silence means something's gone wrong, that the conversation is dying, that we need to rescue it with more words.

Wrong. Dead wrong.

Silence is where the magic happens. It's where people process what you've just said. It's where they work up the courage to share the real issue, not just the surface-level complaint. It's where breakthrough moments occur.

I remember working with a team at a major Australian bank - can't name names, but their logo is red - and their biggest problem was that customer service calls were taking too long. Management wanted us to teach the staff to talk faster, give quicker responses, streamline the scripts.

Completely backwards approach.

Instead, we taught them to use strategic pauses. After asking a question, wait three full seconds before speaking again. It felt excruciating at first - like watching paint dry in slow motion. But customers started opening up about their real concerns instead of just stating the obvious problem.

Call times actually increased initially, but resolution rates went through the roof. Fewer callbacks, fewer escalations, happier customers. The bank saved more money in six months than they'd spent on communication training in the previous five years.

Of course, management took credit for the "innovative approach." Typical.

Body Language: Less Important Than You Think

Here's controversial opinion number two: most body language advice is overrated rubbish that distracts from what actually matters.

Yes, don't cross your arms. Yes, make some eye contact. Yes, try not to look like you'd rather be anywhere else. But the obsession with micro-expressions and "power poses" and whether you should lean in or lean back is missing the point entirely.

Your body language is a reflection of your mental state, not the other way around. If you're genuinely interested in what someone is saying, your body language will naturally be open and engaged. If you're faking interest while thinking about your lunch plans, no amount of body language training will hide that.

Focus on the mindset, and the body language takes care of itself.

I've seen too many training programs get this backwards. They teach people to stand a certain way, gesture at specific moments, maintain eye contact for exactly the right duration. It turns conversations into performances. Nobody wants to talk to someone who's clearly following a choreographed routine.

The Empathy Trap

Everyone bangs on about empathy being the key to better communication. "Put yourself in their shoes." "Understand their perspective." "Show that you care."

All good advice, but here's the thing: empathy without action is just emotional tourism.

I can spend all day feeling bad about your situation, understanding your frustration, acknowledging your feelings. But if I'm not actually helping you solve your problem, I'm just being a professional hand-holder. Sometimes what looks like lack of empathy is actually efficiency.

There's a difference between being caring and being useful. The best communicators I know are brilliant at being both, but if they had to choose, they'd pick useful every time. Because ultimately, people don't just want to feel understood - they want their problems solved.

This is especially true in Australian workplaces where people generally prefer straight talk over emotional processing. We're not therapy sessions - we're businesses trying to get stuff done.

Technology Is Ruining Everything (Except When It Isn't)

Let's talk about the elephant in the room: digital communication. Email, Slack, Teams, WhatsApp - we're drowning in platforms that promise better communication but often deliver the opposite.

The problem isn't the technology itself. It's that we're using digital tools for conversations that need to happen face-to-face, and we're scheduling meetings for things that could be handled with a quick message.

I worked with a startup in Sydney where the founders were communicating entirely through Slack, even though they sat three metres apart. They couldn't understand why their company culture felt disconnected. Meanwhile, their customer service team was trying to resolve complex complaints through email chains that stretched longer than the Murray River.

Here's a radical idea: pick up the phone. Walk over to someone's desk. Have an actual conversation where you can hear tone, see facial expressions, and resolve issues in real-time instead of through a series of carefully crafted messages that get misinterpreted anyway.

But - and this is important - when you do use digital communication, be ridiculously clear. Assume your message will be misunderstood and write accordingly. Use bullet points. Be specific about what you need and when you need it. Don't rely on emoji to convey complex emotions.

The Australian Communication Paradox

Working across different Australian cities, I've noticed something interesting about our communication style. We pride ourselves on being straight shooters who "tell it like it is." We mock corporate jargon and bureaucratic waffle. We value authenticity and directness.

Yet our workplaces are full of the most convoluted, indirect communication you'll find anywhere.

"I just wanted to touch base to see if we could potentially explore the possibility of maybe scheduling a brief catch-up to discuss some opportunities for improvement in our customer engagement processes."

Translation: "Can we talk about why customers are complaining?"

This weird corporate-speak isn't making us sound more professional - it's making us sound like robots. Some of the most effective communication training I've delivered has simply been teaching people to say what they actually mean in plain English.

BHP gets this right. Their internal communications are refreshingly direct. So does Woolworths in their team briefings. They've figured out that clarity beats cleverness every time.

What Actually Works: The Boring Basics

After all this criticism, you might be wondering what communication techniques actually work. Brace yourself, because they're disappointingly simple:

Be genuinely curious about other people's perspectives. Ask follow-up questions that dig deeper than surface level. Listen to understand, not to respond. Give people time to think and speak. Be clear about what you need and when you need it.

That's it. No advanced techniques. No psychological tricks. No revolutionary frameworks.

The magic happens in the execution, not the methodology. It's about being present in conversations instead of planning your next clever response. It's about treating every interaction as an opportunity to understand something new about another human being.

Most people are starving for genuine conversation in their workplaces. They're tired of scripted interactions, corporate buzzwords, and meetings that could have been emails. When you show up with authentic curiosity and clear communication, you immediately stand out.

Not because you're using some secret technique, but because you're being refreshingly human.

The Implementation Reality Check

Here's where most communication training falls apart: it focuses on the "what" without addressing the "why" or the "how." You can learn all the techniques in the world, but if your workplace culture punishes honest communication, rewards political games, and prioritises looking busy over being effective, no amount of training will help.

Real communication improvement requires systemic change, not just individual skill development. It means creating environments where people feel safe to ask questions, admit mistakes, and have difficult conversations without fear of retribution.

It means leaders who model the behaviour they want to see instead of just mandating it through policy documents and training programs.

Most importantly, it means recognising that good communication isn't a soft skill - it's a business skill that directly impacts productivity, customer satisfaction, and employee engagement. Companies that invest in genuine workplace communication development see measurable returns. Those that treat it as a nice-to-have box-ticking exercise wonder why their training budgets don't deliver results.

The Uncomfortable Conclusion

Most workplace communication problems aren't actually communication problems - they're culture problems masquerading as skill gaps.

You can teach someone to ask better questions, but if their manager shuts down questioning, the training is useless. You can train active listening until the cows come home, but if the organisational reward system only recognises people who talk the loudest, you're wasting everyone's time.

The best communicators I know didn't get that way through training programs. They got that way by working in environments where good communication was valued, modelled, and rewarded. They learned by practicing with people who gave them honest feedback and room to improve.

So before you sign up for another communication workshop, ask yourself: does your workplace actually want better communication, or does it just want the appearance of caring about communication?

Because if it's the latter, you'd be better off spending your time learning magic tricks. At least then you'd have some skills that might actually impress people at the Christmas party.